Overall, I’m a generally happy person, sure. I can make a joke out of anything, and I absolutely love to laugh. But I do not feel that I am truly happy. There are some amazing aspects of my life, that bring me a lot of joy. I have love in my life, and am so thankful for him. We are not always perfect, but it seems like with each day we are learning how to love each other better. We have fun together, and make each other laugh, and that is all I can really ask for.
My unhappiness is all my own. I cannot depend on someone else to make me happy, or blame my unhappiness on anyone else either. I think it is rooted in the fact that I am not accomplishing anything I wanted to. I feel as though I really have to fight to get anything done, and I am not sure why. I’m not sure why it is so easy for me to ignore all responsibility, and watch hours of netflix, or feverishly read through recipes I’ll probably never make. Procrastination is really at the core of everything I do.
But I am fighting. I want a good, fulfilling life for myself. I want to learn, and teach, and write, and garden. I want to be ridiculously happy, and I have to make that happen for myself. It’s not just going to fall into my lap.